What is it!
I am hanging on - of course everything is well - well hmm!
Ya what - what ? (listening)
there is a way out of this, there always is, there always will be,
(Listening - irritated)
Far fetched, far far fetched (drifting of lost in thoughts looking in the distance)
Come on girl, get yourself together.
I just keep forgetting.
Just keep forgetting.
My name, damn, I keep forgetting my name.
It’s my fault, I know it is, it all could be well, and perfect, and perfect,
yes perfection hmm.
I really had enough of this. (Loud coming out shouting exploding)
I really, really had enough.
(Breathing) Calm, calm.
For gods sake.
(Breathing looking around vaguely looking around)
I saw something special today!
A … not an everyday thing to come across, if only you knew, you … all of you yeah!
(Uncoordinated mostly speaking to herself, voice going up and down)
It's all happening now.
I have to start.
No don't let it all run, don't - just carry it a little further, put it away, put it off,
try putting it over there,
and look at it and move it and put it over here, and move it again,
and no that's not right.
Not right either.
Aah yes I am getting there.
It's right here isn't it, isn't it?
Yeah, it is, of course I knew.
I knew all along.
I was trying to fool you,
keep you in the dark.
Keeeep you craaawling around, down were you are.
Were the fuck are you?
I know you are there and I am coming for you,
I am coming to get you.
And when I get you, you'll know that I am here.
No messing around, not with me.
No no no (deep voice).
Yes yes yes (high voice).
No no no.
Yes yes yes.
Ha haha. (Laugh). (Mumble).
But not with me, not with me.
And I know what I mean!
There isn't such a thing as purity.
There isn't such a thing…
And what the fuck is romance?
I once knew,
I still haven't forgotten.
It's here with me and so am I and … I,
me myself and I.
And we all are here now… have come together to this remarkable,
to this event … no to celebrate.
Tonight we celebrate!
Welcome to my party.
Its my party and I cry if I want to cry if I want to cry if I want too na na na na nana nana naa.
Yes I am pleased to see you all here.
Thanx for coming.
Thanx for your support thanx for … (stagnates freezes eyes drift into distance silence).
Hello. (looks around)
What - where is everyone?
Oh I do want you to respond.
Hello, tell me you are here; tell me I am not alone.
(Eyes light up)
• Oh hello, its good to see you, I was ever so scared of being all alone.
• You are not, I am here and I do apologise for not responding earlier.
• Yes I was worried but I knew you were there all along watching me
• Of course I was, do you think I just leave you and anyway I couldn't.
• I will look after you and everything will be just fine, as it has always been
smooth and soothing
• Are you here now?
• Yes I am over here.
• I was just testing
I know it isn't my fault, I know it isn't, don't try blaming it on me, don't ever try blaming it on me
I will continue and pursue and find the answer to all … find the answer to all these questions.
If I just calm myself and…
At ease, I know.
I know it all.
Oh yes, oh yes I know it all.
The whole thing is real simple.
I mean real simple, real simple, really really simple.
I turn and walk away.
Leaving behind the matters of confusion.
But this is no option,
Not an option anymore.
What am I looking at … or for or …
It wasn't my fault!
Please say it!?
Please say that it wasn't my fault, please.
Accept your guilt.
What …where does this voice come from?
Who are you?
I dare you and you won't be able to resist.
I dare you not to speak to me like this.
Who do you think you are?
Who do you … are you …talk to me for gods sake.
It’s no game.
No fun, please you, please you, leave me alone, let me go
Oh all is well again, I redirect my sight.
I will not, and will not think of it.
I will not accept responsibility.
You knew well, at first you knew.
It wasn't me.
Not for me.
No, not for me.
It isn't up to me,
it never was,
please let me go!
You … (pause).
You … (pause).
It never was….
It couldn't be … me.
a logical…explanation…will justify, explain.
Oh yes we are.
I am only me,
I can't cope with this no more,
where is my friend?
My friend, where are you my friend.
please … hello!?
Are you here?
• I will help you don't worry!
• Its obvious, you are confused and so you slipped and became, became … confused … it's not your fault, we fix it all, I know tricks you know.
Like I can turn the clock … travel in time, to back, to where to … back…
before I … we can travel to before.
We can undo it all, there is, there is the undo function,
its in the main menu, its always there.
We just undo… the time… rewind…
It really is easy.
What are you staring at?
So we rewind to the beginning,
before it all began.
What was there…?
I … I can't remember my name.
I can't remember.
We just make up a new name.
Like John or Sophie or Lily or …
Now and then a big cloud reveals the sun.
And the sun is friendly when it shines
and the sun is warm
and my name is….
Give me a name!
I'll give you a name, but …
I think all the names have gone… yes they are all gone.
And I don't have a name!
Or else I could give you my name, we could share my name, we could but…
I have no name either … I think.
But we don't talk about me.
It's you, who needs my concern.
I'll help you as I said and promised and… you know.
Don't, - and I mean that, don't try and confuse me, cause I leave, I drop you right here, and leave and I couldn't care less and I just leave and you know that I would.
Cause I don't need you, I have powerful friends!
I don't need you and you better be nice, or I'll be gone and who the fuck do you think you are anyway hmm!
Look at you, you are just… just a fucked up… neurotic, screwed up person, girl.
That's all you are!
So don't fuck with me right, I am doing you a favour
I am doing you a favour and there are not many people who will do that for you, cause you have no friends.
NO you don't, just me.
And I don't know, you piss me off you know, so cut it out, you know just cut it out.
Cause you are nothing without me.
You are, and look at yourself.
Look at you now, just do, and what is it that you see - hmm, tell me.
Hmm, well tell me, I'm not here forever, what is it that you see, hey?
You disgust me you know.
You… you… (Stops looks around irritated tries to return to her role to her sentence).
You … (can't find personality or line gets frustrated shouts).
So who cares anyway, and why not!?
Indeed why not, (tries to overplay her insecurity and confusion)
why not, (mumbles now shy not knowing where or who she is, scared retrieving into herself).
What are you looking at?
I did do nothing wrong you know!
Or did I?
What do you want?
What is this, it’s all so strange.
It’s all so sudden it….
Why all at once always, - or nothing at all!
I don't understand.
It’s so confusing and doesn't make much sense, none at all to be precise.
But that's that … that's life that is.
I am part of it.
I am getting all worked up.
I feel elevated and all excited.
I feel new, and… new, fresh and all excited.
And I don't care.
It just so happens, that at that moment, when that happened,
I felt or better even since, since then I feel… feel great.
I feel light-headed.
I feel good. (laughs slightly embarrassed)
Don't know why.
Again don't know, but don't care either.
Who would and why?
When I close my eyes I see… but I don't.
I am in the position, I finally feel up for it.
But is there something wrong?
Is anything wrong for that matter?
Well, don't look at me.
Don't fucking look at me.
You fucking nerd, you, you bloody damn you.
You don't know what it is you are up against, don't you.
So what is it you want, what the fuck do you want
Don't look at me. (breathing heavy)
Horrible, horrible, horrible… horrible.
So what? (Laughs neurotically)
(Looking out with a mad smile mustering the other)
(Looking into a distance somewhere deep inside her head)
Yes - yes – yes. (Muttering)
Am I stuck?
What's it I do here? (Slurring her voice)
Am I worth holding on to?
What's goin on?
I feel all funny now.
And I still don't remember.
You - ask me!
Ask me now.
Ask me again, but still I don't remember – no.
You scared, I can see you … boo ha ha ha.
How scared you are, I can see you jump – boo.
You are so insignificant to me - you are.
You know that don't you.
Hey I'm talking to you.
You know how insignificant you are?
Like a tiny worm, spreading its seed to get everywhere and destroy everything.
And I just crush you between my fingers.
Just you watch me.
Watch this space, you worm you. (Laughs)
It doesn't matter to me, nothing does anymore.
Cause I don't care, I just don't care.
Funny that isn't it.
Well, I think it is anyway.
And you are a worm, and I don't care about measly little worms, do I?
You know I don't.
So watch out, cause I'm gonna get you – boo. (Laughs)
I wanna be though. (Suddenly sobered up and serious)
I wanna be someone though.
I wanna break out of this confinement.
I don't wanna be stuck here anymore.
I want to see the difference, make the difference.
Out there, there must be difference,
there must be so much difference.
And that is rather interesting I think.
It’s like the unknown, the spectacular, the mysterious.
I like to think of myself as mysterious.
Rather mysterious to myself as well.
It’s like meeting a different me, at different times; sometimes I even hear voices.
And that I think proves that I am mysterious, wicked and wild.
I'm a wild and wicked one.
I like to think of myself as that, but sometimes I just forget about… forget about….
I keep reminding myself
I look forward to other things too.
And I remember the wait.
Hanging around and waiting.
But I remind myself constantly.
Like now, remember and yes, of course I do,
so it’s alright.
It keeps me happy you know.
To remember the little things that make the big difference, it's so funny that.
Cause we never notice those little things.
And that is why they make a difference.
Cause they grow.
Little things grow into big things.
And then we gotta deal with them, cause we notice them.
And then sometimes it's too late to do anything.
That’s to bad though.
Real bad if you ask me!
So in order to avoid this, you have to concentrate, on the little things you don't notice.
It's a lot of work to look out for them, cause they are tiny, so that you don't notice them.
You gotta look real hard and even then you may not get lucky.
But that's life for you and that's what makes it interesting,
and interest is what I require,
it's what I want and need and….
And then I keep forgetting.
And I remind myself, to remember.
Again and again, the same thing happens, but I don't remember.
So again and again, it's a new thing that happens.
Weird and wonderful.
(Pause glancing across the space).
Oooh horrible when that happens.
Oooh I hate to get bored
In times of boredom, everything falls back onto itself.
The resources - I keep reminding myself.
It’s all there; it's all accessible, any time always.
If I remember correctly.
Sometimes it's not!
Sometimes they are all hidden and locked away.
Where is my friend?
The one I spoke to earlier.
The one who spoke to me.
The one who knew better and looked out for me.
Last that I heard was… not sooo nice though.
I have to say that.
I have to.
And it just goes on like this, forwards and backwards,
and then abruptly it all turns, but it doesn't explain a thing.
No it doesn't, and if you ask me I would, and if you ask me again, I would, but I don't know either, or not always, sometimes I do though, if you ask me then it'll be OK.
I swear, oh yes!
Oh yes I like that.
But it gets very confusing and I try to focus and again
and I don't know why again, you know, I don't
(Pause - Looks into distance)
But I don't you know (mumble looking down licking her mouth obsessively or similar as in shifting attention from herself to a task she is performing)
But I don't know you know
I don't know
it's just me you know, just me and it wasn't my fault
It wasn't my fault
You know sometimes strange things happen
Sometimes I remember, strange things happening
and then I don't know you know, I don't know if they really happened cause they are so strange.
So perhaps I just remember them happening but they didn't really you know?
But I'm not sure (still kind of looking down)
I'm not sure
I'm not sure whether or not
but sometimes strange things happen
and then I remember them
They seem to drift apart while I remember so there is never something to hold on to
But you can't say never cause you can't prove it
Never I mean
You can't prove it cause
then it may just happen
and then you are wrong so you can't really say never
Not often you can say, but not never
cause you never know
Laughing is nice as well I like it
I feel good then
when I laugh
Strange things happen you know
Shit happens you know
I recall one time before
I thought that was it but than it went away and I forgot again
That’s why I like forgetting
Memories are so heavy
History is so heavy
like history books are heavy
They are big and heavy like phone books but they don't bend when you lift them and they are heavier as well, perhaps because it's not only names and numbers, but it's the bits in between that are heavy.
That’s silly though.
I feel embarrassed now
Cause you know I am not really stupid
Even if I was it's none of your business
Who are you to tell me anyway?
(Gaining strength and confidence)
So it goes
and continues while it does so
It’s progress - growth if you want
Things grow and die
It’s sad, but that's the way
and you never know why,
even if you look at it real close so that all the little bits look big, then you only see those and don't know were they go in the bigger picture
you end up not being able to control the flow
You don't know were it goes and if you zoom out again to see the whole you can't see the little bits anymore
Perhaps it's a waste of time then
I mean you don't really know what happens in the end
There is no control
that can be good as well so
if you loose control
you are less … hmm …
You just go with the flow and the result is different
Fuck it so
I don't care much for those things
It always goes like this and I'm so fed up with it
if only you knew
But what's there to know
What’s there to understand
I am here now that is what counts
for now at least
We understand what I say
It makes all the difference to me that we do
It pulls all things together, further together so I understand better.
Getting closer to a result
I try to get … try to …
It’s about the basics … to come to terms with … the past
When I was a little girl, one day, I was send to my aunts. She would look after me. A man was living in the same house, he had no hair and big eyes. My auntie and I build a magic wand, then the man took it and turned me into a hedge. I ran to my auntie and started crying, I was really scared that from now on or overnight I would turn into a hedge.
I didn't of course, but then I didn't know any better
It's amazing how I believed in his magic
Like I had the magic wand, but I was only little and didn't know how to use it properly, but the man, he knew cause he was big and old
he had lots of experience
Now and then I still wonder what my life would have been like, as a hedge - my life as a hedge (nervous laugh)
It still gives me a funny feeling
I mean who or what am I
Would the alien from outer space actually recognise me as a living being or would I be a bug even something not noticeable at all
It depends on time and speed I think if I were really fast like really really fast no one would understand me or even see me unless … unless they would have special tools to measure me
Now I still don't know
Somehow I feel separate from the whole, that's why I ache for difference, difference and reason
Being different … no or being or … (slowly getting worked up again)
I get this feeling again
Now and then it crops up - hello
Oh yes hello
No I don't
No I couldn't tell you
It’s not up to me to decide
I just did what I was told
Did what I had to do at the time
There was no reason to
It wasn't … had nothing to do with me
Why don't you leave me alone?
Just (nasty one takes over)
leave me alone
just no please I have no intention
I have no intention to leave you
It was clearly your fault at the time
Constantly you were trying to find another…
constantly you tried to find the other the one who would take the guilt from you, but all along you knew it was you, you knew (looking very uncomfortable while forcefully blaming her other self)
Just cut out the crap and face up to your responsibilities
Face up to the person you chose to be
Oh shut up (new personality emerging)
Oh you better …
Better knowing always
You better always … but no
No … not better at all just as
…ugly and nasty.
You nasty… ugly … you are so ugly and twisted… in your mind … it's full of nasty thoughts, always and again.
But why, it wasn't me, not me, no it wasn't
Going over it many … many times I have, gone over it again and …
Hell - it all … it just … at times you know, at times and then over and again… but no, at times it all gets to much
No reason it just gets to a point and than it … don't know
I… I… can cope, I can its no worries it's all… normal, it's normal… to worry (tension goes).
To worry it's normal
At times though at … things go bad sometime it's normal though
I know I'm OK
OK - what an expression how can …
I look at the total
OK is a total of yeses, - although not perfect, but OK, so perhaps OK is perfect - whereas perfect on average is probably just OK
I look … or try to look at the whole, as a total rather than its parts
Perhaps that's my mistake
Perhaps that's the cause of my state
But I do believe, that only if you have looked at the whole, in its totality can you truly understand its parts and any other …
To understand implications, your actions may have, you must understand, the total or at least try or at least…
Endless is a total
I can't understand endless, I don’t understand endless.
When I look up in the sky and … the sky it goes up forever.
Now if I try to understand the concept of forever endless, I … I go dizzy.
Endless would be the whole but as much as I want to see the whole I can't understand its concept
I feel so small
I know, that I don't know
And if I were to accept this, as a total, I could be freed
Perhaps this is where this whole thing has gone wrong
I ask you
Do you remember me, as a total?
Do I exist in your world?
Do you grasp the concept of me as a whole?
But I know nothing about that
I won't get into it, this is about me.
Myself … now,
now as I speak, who could truly claim to understand what it is I mean.
If I was to accept that I knew nothing…
I’d feel relieved for all I know
But then I wouldn't
I would understand less of myself than now, when I try to hold on to the remaining bits
It’s the circularity of my questions the never ending questions the thought of it all is getting to much, the thought of continuation, so perhaps when I dream of going back to… a somehow uncomplicated situation that would allow me to carry on without knowing, it is or would be a place at the base of history.
Can I travel in time?
And if I was to close my eyes - let myself drift
Further away from what I know
What … would I find where would I get to
Caught in my dreams that I won't allow myself to have
Keeping them away from myself, I get drawn deeper into their spell.
Their cause is my conviction
That is what I am
But I don't understand or could possibly comprehend this as an answer
Someone said once … he said… ‘And why should life have a meaning’ he said once he did
I don't remember who or when
But he did oh yes he did
I go no further but were is there to go and …
I don't remember a place other than …
I don't remember my name if I was just to call myself… something that would cry out to be.
Something that continues to exist outside the… or inside… somewhere
Hell does it matter
I am here, regardless of who or what I am
And perhaps I never find the out anyway
But I can't say never.
Cause you don't know
I'm just here and it's not easy I tell you
It’s not easy … but who are you
Do you wanna know about it?
And if you do … … if you do - let me know
For now I remain were I am that's now though.
And I don't know if there is an after or not
Whether I remain or what my purpose may be
But I am here
For now that is
And whatever it is I am, I will continue to be just that for all I know that is
Will you make the difference?
Something, there is something, something inside, the something that makes me tick.
I realised that.
I don't know what it is, but it's there.
The something, I am holding on to, no one will take it from me.
No one will …
It can be lonely sometimes but then… I don't like to think … of it like that, just … see the reason in it
I like to … sometimes it would be good if someone was with me
So we could speak and do things together
At times … we could laugh and do things, but no one ever comes here.
So its just me and …
There isn't much you can do here you know … it's just me
…I don't know just me.
I don't know but I'm here now and that's all that really counts right
I get tired real tired I get
It gets so hard to concentrate when I get tired
All I wanna do right now is just plunge just drop it all
All of it
But then I have this voice in my head, telling me to get on with it, and that dropping it is no option and wouldn't make much difference.
So it's better to be tired and not concentrated and just get on with it.
Just get on with it yeah … hmm …
(She smiles laughs a little mad neurotic laugh and starts blubbering pure nonsense to herself while biting her nails)
(Starts singing a lullaby "To kill a mocking bird" while rocking slightly)
(Then in childlike way)
If only my fucking friends could see me now
But they don't show, they never bloody show their faces and why is that I wonder
I wonder why … perhaps…
It’s always the same you just can't rely on no one
You just can't trust no one
Cause then they fucking turn around and stab you in the back.
Just when you aren't looking just when you are cosy and trusting and believing.
Then they stab you in the back
It always happens, I swear it does
And when I swear I really mean that
Trust me my little friend trust me but don't turn your back, nasty things happen when you turn your back.
When no one looks and no one knows
Mysterious things, just like me you see.
Just like me
And then someone has to pay; someone always pays for these things.
Doesn’t mean they are the guilty ones but someone just got to pay up in the end, cause today nothing is for free anymore
No one's just nice for being nice and without anything else in mind you know
No one's just nice like that no more not today maybe yesterday or some other day before that.
I know that cause I know
I know many things I could tell you many things, maybe you wouldn't want to hear them though, and maybe you would…
I could tell many things oh yes I could
I don't remember my name but most people you see around you, just don't know their names anyway, they all are strangers
Me in a world of strangers
So it doesn't matter about a name not much anyway.
I still am, even without a name, so it really doesn't matter much
Not to me oh no
If I would remember I could end up with a name that wouldn't fit me at all, that would be more confusing than not remembering
It doesn't bother me; there are many other things I remember.
I remember about worries I had
Not about my name, just worries
Worries about tomorrow but I don't have these worries anymore
I don't do tomorrow's anymore, I just do the present now, just the present, the only time I have and within that space of mine I have all the time in the world, plus some extra time from…
Well I don't remember were it came from but I got that time as well.
So there is lots of time and as yet I haven't run short
Not till now
Still got all the time in the world plus the extra time
Sometimes I feel like wasting a little you know, just leave some behind here and there, so some other person can pick it up, then they have a bit of myself although they don't know who I am to them I am just the stranger who left some time behind.
I think time is flexible, sometimes it stretches to become long time, sometimes its fast time and all of us at all times live in different times, faster and slower ones, although there is an underlying pace depending on were you are, but within that pace, are a hundred different tempos of time.
Depending on who we are so within this… this…
Well we all perceive different and are at different points of time and speed and space and I like that thought
I think that even so at this very moment I am here I still am somewhere else somewhere far away from wherever you are
Another thing about time is that there are different sets of time those past ones and present ones and within the present ones are a hundred million different present ones so nothing is the same
That’s why I am somewhere different from where you are
I can also get stuck in time, sometimes I like doing that just for fun - its different and different things happen cause you slow things down
Everything happens differently in slow time
You can only stay there for a little while though cause it tends to get slower the longer you stay there, so in the end things just stop, that's why sometimes it can be dangerous to go there
Not if you are aware though
You get disoriented and loose all sense … of time.
Sometimes I wonder whether I am within that space and have remained there and my world started to go slow till it will stop, that would explain some things
Not everything, but some of it.
Some of it would remain … unknown, for the best part of some… time
hang on … (listens in the distance)
just now I was trying to connect to someone in the distance but quickly the connection broke
that always happens
you know who I talk of, if you hear me now
just now … then…
In my thoughts they remain beautiful, in my remaining memory, but as always I know all resources are at hand length.
All is there, ready to be taken and used and abused and again…
And who the fuck cares anyway
…someone perhaps there is someone
Did you hear… hear that?
Now again, listen out for it …
hello … (breathing)
Sometimes I swear someone or thing creeps around here knowing that they can easily fuck me over, scare me, it's just me, I say its just me - don't matter, just me, no reason for fear and fear is no good, no no, fear is the mind killer oh yes
Fear is no good and they know its just me and easy to fuck over and stuff just plain
Such plain thoughts don't bother me no more, so much pain you have caused then and now its no good
Don’t try or don't bother, not again, not now it's to late not to bother, not me, not now oh no.
I'm being drawn into this fuck up that continues to fuck me up and unaware as I presume to be I continue to draw the same conclusion from the same words again and again
Does one know why?
But I draw the same clues from the same words and everything becomes a variation of what was before and everything becomes repetition of so many endless amounts of words more and over and over again.
And then they are there again trying to fuck me over, cause they know its only me and as easy a target as me
Not to be found elsewhere but never they show their pretty faces or ugly or just… but never they do they live in the dark.
They are the ones who really are afraid
When they crawl closer breathing down my neck whispering into my ear and if I turn …
They hide their faces and never till now I saw them but I know oh yes, cause I know lots of things and I know they are there hidden behind their personalities they slowly encroach on my territory
Not to fear them, is all there is to a secret
Not to fear them but beware, beware there are two sides to everything
I draw attention to myself I do
I open my eyes wide and look into the world, and the world looks back at me,
We get on alright me and the world - mostly, sometimes we play practical jokes on each other but mostly we get along so so.
I draw attention when I open my eyes wide and look out for myself just so I get on and it isn't as if I see anything else
I just try to look out keep an outlook on things that come along regardless
Sometimes things go real well I can feel that.
I feel different then that's when my fears turn away and leave me alone they don't like this feeling of me, they know that when that happens they stand no chance in getting through to me
So they just stay away.
Sometimes I wonder what they do when they are not with me. Are they someone else's fears when they are not with me? Do I share my fears with you, where are they now, what are they up to or do they just take a break and get on with other things? Perhaps it's like a weekend who knows, who would want to know anyway, who ever bothers about fears when they are not there.
Not me, but then I don't bother either way, this way, that way, I don't care, I just don't, cause it never seems important enough to do so there always are more important things to contemplate than fears or not …
Yeah yeah (withdraws) (scratching or picking nose or eyebrow while looking into the distance)
(Scratching or picking nose or eyebrow while looking into the distance)
(Scratching or picking nose or eyebrow while looking into the distance)
I never thought of it that way
But then you can't say never.
(Silence - smile - shy smile) (Sudden outburst)
Hmm did it again your turn
You cheated you were a bad girl now, were you, cause you cheated
Yes you did
You are such a bad looser, such a bad looser you are
I won ladida. (All sweet again)
I'm a good player really
I'm a very good player
I win mostly - often
It’s a skill
Your turn go on don't be pissed of just because you never win
Now and then I feel odd, winning always
I wonder what others think of me
But I don't really care, it's about me, I look out for myself
Someone gets hurt, someone gets hurt.
Then people start whispering and staring over your shoulder when you don't know they do, but you feel it
You feel their breath on your neck and when you turn they are gone
Wonder whether they will return I can't be sure
Can’t be sure of nothing no more
Whether or not I will rekindle my sense…my senses
My senses … feel my touch
My sense of understanding
My sense to comply
Or not hmm or not what hmm
Whatever else or not
What do you want?
Silly - stupid mortal you are, look at me
Do you feel my grip on your shoulder?
Feel fear tighten your throat ha
And yes I laugh about you all of you and you
A joyous laugh
I am not compelled by myself.
Why would I be?
I am at ease - yes right at ease and laughing, my own very private laugh that continues, beyond and further … further even than that.
(Light-hearted) further than my imagination can go at any one time
But if I multiply
I can go deeper into the unknown.
There are places I will visit, stinking hideous places that lay beyond imagination, but do I care?
Or for what and why not indeed.
Gotta get out of here
Don’t feel as if I got the strength to deal the cards just now
BUT I am a good player and only rarely loose
Oh yes I do
Now is the time.
As good as any other.
That’s what I mean.
Any time is as good as any other, that's true for always and I know.
I push things closer to the edge
Sometimes to close, they stumble, they fall.
But it's not my fault watch out there.
Where do you think you are going hmm?
You are to close.
No get back you are to close it's to much.
I can't bare… you are to close (breathing heavy) to close.
And then they fall but I told them to get back, if they would have listened right from the start, they … all would be good. Good.
I make it all good again I promise.
I can, I know tricks … magic tricks.
It all can go backwards, back and forth and so on
We do it again
Undo and next take if it isn't good enough we do it again.
We just repeat from the beginning - again
Better this time
Whenever I redo, I redo better improve
Improvement and progress
But I need to know and I keep waiting for it to happen and it will, I know it will, all I need is patience, there is so much time left, so much time to get on with it, so I can afford to wait.
Others give me time, sometimes - I add it to my pile
They don't return … I don't understand
There were many once
Now they don't come back
Now it's just me, but I won't give up - no way
The game must continue.
I make it - all happen.
Always one step ahead of it all.
To keep it going.
Someone has to otherwise it stops.
Exhaustion is part of it mental and physical exhaustion but you get through it.
I do it, it's easy I keep myself occupied and it continues.
It's reassuring to know that I'm OK, that I am fine and I am, there was a time when I wasn't but that's long gone.
Gone by, I felt strange then, not now though
Not now, now I feel just fine and all is well in this little world
It’s going real well now all is - all is well
Cause I solved the problem there was
Just smile I said to myself and it all went away
It all just went and now all is well oh yeah
Yeah real well
There is no doubt
You hear me, no, none so ever
It’s gone past that time and I have no time to waste on… this
I feel confident and we will get on.
Moving along slow at first slooow, then gaining speeed getting faster accelerating more and everything is getting to the point of no recognition, all is new and well working, good in spirit, good, very good, very very good indeed very good
All those considerations
I consider them to be important, all of them
They are all important
Cause there is, cause they are, they just are it's simple its all… all is very simple, to consider it, but it's not an option.
You know and you know me and you know its not.
I got to get … and be hard and nothing else it doesn't it just doesn't
But I had no idea then… then, but now it’s…
I understand it's the nature of … the motion of … its circular in essence.
The … you understand don't you
You - tell me?
You fucking liar, don't look for sympathy
Don’t come looking for me, I just will not
There is no way I go back
I'm better now, much … much better
I judge my own perfection and I have seen films and I know
Ttaallkk ttoo mmee
You can't do that, you just can't, you know, you can't
And I tell you so now I - hear me
You you (breathing) (pause)
It was inevitable right from there on, right from the start of things, back there at the base of things
I remember the first time and it was inevitably gonna happen again
All knew, all were aware, cause being is circular
Repetition is circular and inevitable, so it continues
Fuck fuck fuck
excuse the language (Sugar sweet and sarcastic)
Oh you are allowed to excuse yourself
Oh it's alright honey - darling it's Oowe Kay
Right oowe kay
But you don't know what you talk about.
You don't know what to do and you certainly don't know how to react do you
I can look straight through that face into your dirty mind
Do you believe in voodoo - well I do and I made these dolls once and then I cut of their hair and then I cut of their heads and then I put a needle through their little bodies and nothing happened.
But that's not the point, the point is that I tried I tried everything.
Now, I wait, I am in-between things.
I have to take care of myself
But what's the whole point
What is the point?
Am I obsessed, - with what, if I may ask, with what indeed
I can care and look out for myself. I am thoroughly capable of doing so.
Am I not?
I … yes I am (pause then questioning at first)
Do I go on a bit?
I think it's about time I do something about it all
Otherwise … well it couldn't have continued
Obsession is a good point.
Obsession and compulsion and obsession again.
Well now that I speak are you all there to listen
Are you fucking there, listen to me I got things to say.
Things that need to be addressed to secure continuation
I'm OK of course.
A little highly strung perhaps but it's all together, it's all in here (points at her head)
And you should trust and believe and most of all listen to what I got to say.
I'm not making this up you know
Thiss iss all serious stuff you know
And you can count on it, count on me
I'll get it going
Your face, your nasty smile, your sweet smile, but I don't care what. (pause)
Perhaps I have gone to far or am to far gone but this is the time, the right time and god knows I've been waiting long enough for this - more then that, more like I've been waiting for far to long
And now … yes look at me now
There is no stopping me now, there is no rest or contemplation there is just forward, straight ahead, keep going.
And this time I am ready for…
For all of you, this time I am ready for all of you
No more brakes or anything like it
It’s too late, finally the time has come oh yeah.
It’s free fall time, no nets, no double floor, no tricks.
Now it's all for real real real and you better watch me
Don’t mess with me alright
I'm dedicated, I am a dedicated… person
I have my cause and there is no return
And that's good.
Oooooooh it's so good
I can feel it rush through my body my veins my head
Oooh I can feel it
And I feel good
It’s filling me, filling my whole body.
Warm body and I feel so alive, and good, hmmm so good.
Don't, don’t even think about it, don't even think about stopping me.
I will not shut up this time, this time I will go on and on, till it's all done, till all is done, once and for all.
You calling me mad, OK you go ahead but I don't care
I just hope you know this
So you know… so you know what you're up against
It’s not sweet me, it's not - I am not never have been for all I know
I’ve got a mission…
My very own mission and no one, no one would believe who gave it to me
Right, perhaps it was just me, myself
I made it all up, made it up in here you know, my head, my mind.
It’s amazing what I can pull out of there, but there is more there is so much more were this came from.
How much more can you face though, that's the question - ain't it
And up and down it goes
And I turn and turn again
And here I am the sweet little girl you are eager to see
The one you've been staring at
Here I am and I feel lonely and cold
But you wouldn't care would you - no
I know you - your kind
Everything is expendable
We return, we recharge, we undo, we erase
But we continue - oh yes we do
If only you knew how much I enjoy this
How much I've been waiting for this
How much I wanted this
To be this
To cut myself loose from all those restrictions you always put on me
Have put on me and will do again no doubt
If only you could see me now how much would you hate me for losing control?
For letting go
For going with the… hmm… ah… flow… the stream of things
The light - the sun - the clouds
I will never come back of course, now that I made it, now that I'm here, it's … it's so pretty here.
So green and pretty
So different from … the one before
The… were I've been… was… before the…
I feel like singing again.
Oh I love music it always gets me into the mood
Sometimes it makes me happy then it makes me sad.
It gives me energy or … just rumbles along.
And I love it all, every tone every bleep, every moment.
I wanna go out somewhere with this, take the music on the road, take it with me
And ride into the sunset
Or be on a beach, that most romantic vision
Two people on the beach, sunset, and a kiss
It never happens though, not to me, not yet and never is no option anyhow, no no.
I feel a little dizzy now exhausted from all this …
All … stuff that happens - happened
Things haven't been the same lately you know
And I am a very impulsive person
Very impulsive and that's why I loose my temper at times
Just go off, over the edge and beyond
Beyond … consideration I guess.
Mostly I'm a rational thinker though.
You can talk to me I keep calm and am helpful.
Generally sometimes not
Sometimes not … but mostly OK - yes
Look at me, am I not what you desire?
Am I not what you despise?
Am I in your dreams?
Am I what you want?
What do you want?
What do you look for in me?
What have you been looking for?
Did you get any closer or resolve anything?
Have you come to the one and overwhelming conclusion?
I bet not.
How could you, I am the gatekeeper and certainly wouldn't let you in, certainly wouldn't let you get close.
I don't think I am mad.
But - don't push me cause I'm close to the edge
Remember, remember - don't push me cause I'm close to the edge
Maybe a little closer now
Always getting a little closer, that's progress life inevitably gets you a little closer at all times and with everything else happening at the same time you'll get there eventually.
Even if you don't, it drags you along
There is no escape
Are you getting closer, do you read, me can you hear, me do you understand me?
No let me, don't do that
Let me roam free in the wild
Picnic in the jungle - I like that
This is all very confusing to me and I try to order my thoughts.
Law and order
Order and organise
I feel so liberated
I am I count
Still waiting I count minutes and seconds and days basically time
I am waiting, time and time again I am waiting for something
Like someone could call and … ah I’d be so delighted to hear a voice, to talk into an ear - your ear
Getting old at the same time
In reality I wouldn't want to get old, but it comes with everything else, no one thing without the other and that's another total.
The total of time changes many things I tell you
And still I wait for a voice to penetrate my ear
To receive the all clear, the answer.
I am waiting for it all to fall into place
All of it
Oh hello how are you
I'm fine always and again I am fine oh hello
Oh that's good to know I was a little worried you know, just a little though
Oh you mustn't be, I get by, I get by.
Never lost, never lonely, always in good spirit.
But thanx anyhow
You can never be too careful
Uh don't say, you know I came across many things - many things
Some very impressive - some fantastic things
Sometimes it is too much and I can't believe my own eyes
Other times - other times are sometimes different
But it's always been confusing to some extend - yeah some at least
I've got an urge
Struggling along and it's a long way and then I get fed up and just wanna drop it all.
Doesn’t happen though.
I mean of course I don't do it.
Now and then I resurface taking a deep breath
Coming out leaves me exhausted - mostly
But I still do it
It’s all exhausting and hectic and I hate that I do
I … it makes me angry
I hate that, I hate that.
I like closing the door and put my head in the wall, deep in the wall in a corner and rest, relax from it all
Rest and relax cause I hate it, I really do
It makes me so angry, I would gladly stay at home and rest and relax
And no one could break my concentration.
No one to disturb me
It would be just me and I'd be at ease
All by myself.
No intrusion just at ease with myself
That would give me time to get out
And then I could come back and all would be new and stuff
And shit and shit and
oh no fuck
shit shit shit
No it's unlike me really
I don't do that, I have not the passion to do that, I got no ambition to be that.
I … it's just me just me
Mommy could do it, but not me
Don’t be sad, never good to be sad, never good to be sad
Always smile, mommy said
A smile will go a long long way, she said
But that was some other time
A long time ago, so far away, it’s were I want to go to